We all know at least one of these people, in our circle of friends or where we work. In their professional lives, they are decisive, self confident, self disciplined, even tempered, energetic, productive, balanced and  positive. In their private lives they are supportive, encouraging, patient and fair. These are the successful people that we admire and emulate. We are motivated by their successes and we are driven to obtain what they have achieved.

Most if not all of these people have one skill in common, they have the ability to be  resilient. As a result, under duress they remain calm and focused. So how do these people become resilient? Are they just plain lucky? In some cases yes; they were lucky enough to have supportive and encouraging parents who passed this valuable skill onto their children. Normally, people acquire this skill in their  adult years  by learning to understand what resiliency truly is and what it entails. They are prepared to commit the  time and energy that is required to learn and most important to practice resiliency.

The concept of resiliency has been used in reference to how people should respond to life for a long time. Children are told, expected or even forced to be strong and not allow life to affect them,  with little or no instruction on how to be so.  They learn by exposure, trial and error and by forcing themselves to be so. They develop or learn  techniques or methods to deal with the daily demands,  expectations and challenges of life. Eventually, these methods would  no longer work and at times even work against them. Then, they begin to search for new methods; often looking for the quickest and easiest methods and not being prepared to commit to the time and energy that is required. More often than not, the methods are just another way of forcing oneself to be tough and strong. On and on it goes, looking for new methods , driven by the desire to have the success of the people they so admire.

So, then,  what is the secret to becoming resilient? The first step is to understand what resiliency is and what it encompasses. Resiliency is

“1. The ability to recover quickly from sickness, change or misfortune; inner buoyancy.

2. The property of a material that enables it to resume its original shape or position after being bent stretched or compressed; elasticity

 It is the ability to recover quickly after an emergency, crisis or what we might consider as a stressful situation

There is a concept called  the flight or fright response of the nervous system. It is the moment when we are confronted by a stimuli/stressor.  Our autonomic nervous system,  automatically prepares to confront the situation or flee. For example, when we see a snake while walking in the forest our body reacts to the situation by increasing the breathing rate and the heart rate so that the brain  and body will have the important oxygen and nutrients are necessary. The  muscles are tensed, our pupils are dilated and inner organs such as  the stomach and kidneys decrease functioning so that the  energy can be redirected to more important places in the body. All of this in preparation to do battle or to  flee.   This is an automatic reaction; we are not thinking about increasing our breathing rate or heart rate.

When see that what we thought was a snake is only a piece of rope, our bodies automatically go back to relaxed neutral balanced state.  Our bodies do need to be able react to a stimuli/stressor, because it alerts us to danger. In this state we can we can make quick decisions that can prevent a disaster or make us alert to prevent us from making a mistake. There will always be stressors in our lives, distracting us or calling for our attention. The problem that arises is when our bodies remain in that heighten state of alert.

In this alert state, our bodies are tense and we are using up valuable  energy. If this state remains constant,  our tense muscles begin hurt; we experience pains in our backs, in our necks, in our shoulders and even up into our heads. Our hands become cold and possibly sweaty. We experience problems with our stomachs, kidneys and other organs. In this constant state of vigil we are unable to focus and pay attention.  We over react to any stimuli. So, it is in our best interest both in our ability to perform better and to feel better revert back to a neutral state.

In many cases, for what ever the reason, we may be unable to recover quickly or not at all.  We try very hard to go to the neutral state but it seems the  harder we try to force ourselves to relax, the more tense we become. In desperation,  we go to a doctor for medication, for a massage or even a vacation in an effort to release the tension. We may find some relief but soon discover that it s only temporary. Once we return to the crisis or stress  situation, our automatic nervous systems become alert once again and the tension returns. These passive and external methods only offer temporary relief.

So what is our alternative?  Either we quit the crisis situation or we learn how to recover more quickly. BUT, how can we influence this nervous system that is automatic. Automatic means that we can not control it. Or can we?

Yes, we can,  by learning how to mediate, go to yoga or even become a monk. Most of us do not have the time to do this but with the help of modern technology we can learn how to become resilient quicker and in the comfort of our homes or at work. Sensors can be attached to the body to measure the automatic reaction of the body that we were not aware of and believed that we were not able to affect. As we observe our automatic reactions, we learn how  we can influence/change those automatic reactions. One way we can influence a body reaction such as our heart rate is by our breathing. As we change/slow down our breathing rate,  we change our heart rate which in turns affects the rest of the automatic nervous system. Yes, of course we have known for thousands of years that the pattern of breathing can affect how we feel. But,  we have not had something that can tells us if our breathing rate is the right one for us; whether it is good for our hearts. We have had to rely on another person to tell us  whether what we were doing is good or bad, which is entirely subjective.

This interactive process is active wellness as opposed to passive wellness. With these tools a person begins to take their life into their own hands by learning what is good for them rather than depending on something or someone on the outside to tells us whether we are doing well.

As we learn and practice to be resilient, we soon learn to recover more quickly. In addition to recovering from a crisis situation quicker we soon begin reacting less dramatically to a crisis situation. We become more calm and focused.

In 2006 the Italian team won the World Football championship in the final penalty shootout. Some people feel that the Italian team was not the best team but the fact remains they won. One of the reasons that they won was because they were more “resilient” than the other teams. They did not react to the stimuli of the thousands of cheering fans. They were able to keep their focus on the task, which was to kick the ball into the net during the penalty shoot out.  What was their secret? They did training that utilized the same type of equipment and process as described above.

In business, stress is accepted or even expected. It is not uncommon to hear people in business complain how stressed they are.  In many cases, it is more about just letting each other know how hard they are working, that what they do is important and that they are successful. The amount of stress one experiences or reports has become a measuring stick. The more stress, the more successful. The more responsibility you acquire as you progress, the more stressors you acquire. Being stressed almost becomes heroic. In reality, the successful business person should be measured not by how much stress they have but by how resilient they are to the stressors. The successful business leaders of tomorrow will be those who can remain calm and focused.

Resiliency is not a new concept. What is different is how we become resilient. We can either become resilient by forcing ourselves to be resilient or by building our resilience. It becomes an automatic response rather than a controlled response which eventually works against us. Learning how to be resilient is a process that involves time, a commitment, patience and especially practice.  We are attempting to change a process that may have taken us years to learn and adopt. As we build our resilience it becomes a powerful tool that can be utilized in all walks of life. The rewards and benefits of resiliency are countless in sports,  with our families and at work.   The new measuring stick is not how much stress we have in our lives but how resilient we are.

 

Modern life is full of pressures, fears and frustrations – in other words, it’s stressful.  Just five minutes of watching the day’s global news can make our stress levels mount.

Racing against the clock, sitting in traffic, arguing with our spouse — all of these make our bodies react as if we were facing a physi­cal threat. We know that this reaction helped early man survive, but in today’s world it can make us more vulnerable to ill health.

With so much awareness about stress, why are so many people still suffering from it and why are we not doing something about it? Has it become such an integral part of society? Are we really not aware of the effect it has on our bodies? Are we not aware of the effect it has on those around us, especially our families?

Yes, stress could be affecting us and we might not be aware of it. Certain signs and symptoms of stress, for example a headache, muscle aches or an upset stomach, can be interpreted as illness.

Biofeedback

A few weeks ago I presented a workshop entitled ‘Stress and the Entrepreneur’, in which I included a brief demon­stration of how stress affects our bodies. By attaching a sensor to a participant’s finger, we were all able to view that person’s heart rate on the monitor. Using this form of biofeedback, the individual selected was able to directly experience how her type of thoughts or beliefs and her body activity affected her heart rate (when a per­son is stressed, heart rate and respiration increase). All of the participants were quite astonished. Often this is just enough to motivate someone to do something about managing their stress!

Expected behaviour

If I only explain to people how their thoughts and physical activity could have a negative effect on their bodies, many reply, “Isn’t that interesting”. Most often, however, noth­ing is done about it until we are forced by lack of sleep, migraines, stomach problems or worse to take action

Biofeedback helps a person learn stress-reduction skills by providing information about muscle tension, heart rate, and other vital signs as a person attempts to relax. It is used to gain control over certain bodily functions that cause ten­sion and physical pain. Yet even with these messages from the body, people are not slowing down.

People are multitasking both at work and at home. It has become an accepted part of our daily routines to the point that it has become an admired trait in our drive to be the ‘best’ parents and employees. Not only has it become accepted, it has become expected behaviour as we strive for success. What drives us to this level of activity where our systems become stressed and begin to break down?

Attention deficit traits

Dr. Edward Hallowell who wrote one of the first books on ADD (attention deficit disorder) now writes about ADT (attention deficit traits) because they have become so common. Many children and adults have attention problems created by our fast-paced, multi-tasking society. For example, as we watch the news we are taken from one news story taking place in one part world to another in just seconds. Meanwhile, there is an information banner continuously streaming along the bottom of the picture. In reality, short attention spans are being encouraged rather than discouraged In my practice, I also work with children. Most are referred to me because they are not paying attention in class or are not obtaining the marks that are needed to get the education that is being encouraged by parents and teachers. While many have been diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder), I soon discover that with a lot of the children it is not ADD but rather a case of ADT (attention deficit traits).

Inappropriate reactions

In the poll mentioned in the article ‘Children and Stress’ (The New Stork Times, December 2005), families were rated as second behind education as creating the most stress. Children experience stress both at home and at school. In an article that appeared in Psychology¹ Today, 02 December 2005, ‘Stress: It’s Worse Than You Think”, it was stated that “psychological stress doesn’t just put your head in a vice. New studies document exactly how it tears away at every body system — including your brain. But get this: The experience of stress in the past magnifies your reactivity to stress in the future”. The body ‘adjusts’ to stress. It becomes sensitized so that we act inappropri­ately to stressors.

Yes, our stress has an effect on our families. There is a tremendous amount of pressure put on the children to perform at home and at school. The parents — who are stressed — react with anger and impatience, incapable of dealing with the stress of getting their children to perform, thereby teaching the children how to deal inappropriately with stress. The children are often diagnosed with an attention problem and appointments are arranged for an already ‘stressed’ family schedule.

There   are   many   courses,   workshops   and   vacations designed to help people reduce stress. Some people take medications or go for a massage, but these are all only temporary measures. In many cases we try to alleviate stress with what can become an addiction — with disastrous results. Many of us wait for vacations to relieve that stress but, unfortunately, it takes the full vacation before we finally relax and then we are back to work, returning to that same state we were in before the vacation.

Take a deep breath

One of my first business clients was a very successful executive. He spent a great deal of time away from the home. He said to me, “John, it seems as life is passing me by. My children are growing up too quickly and I am not a part of this. Can you slow me down?” He was aware that his lifestyle was having an effect on him and his family. He made a decision to make a commitment to change him­self, his thoughts, his beliefs and ultimately how he was reacting to stressors.

In article from Psychology Today, the authors suggest “taking a deep breath and finding a stress-stopping routine this instant”. It means that we need to make a change on the inside, to learn how to become calmer and more focused. Perhaps ‘accomplishing’ a little less – but doing fewer things belter. As we become calmer and more focused, we feel better and react better to our families.

Becoming aware of how stress affects you – your body, your thoughts and feelings, and your behaviour – and recognizing the signs and symptoms are the first steps in managing your stress.

Perhaps you decided to read this article  because    you    asked,”How can children have stress? All they have to do is go to school, play, eat and sleep”.

John Styffe reveals that he felt the same way — until he started helping children who have attention and concentration problems. In the course of his work he found that many if not most of the children with such problems suffered from stress (either stress related to the inability to perform at school or attention problems caused by stress itself)- He shares some of his insights with us here.

Children may not suffer from the stressors that adults know, but their stress can be as intense if not more intense.

Kidspoll

Last month a poll was taken by an organisation in the USA called KidsHealth. KidsHealth is the largest and most visited site on the Web providing doctor-approved health information about children from the prenatal period up to adolescence. The Kidspoll, as it is called, involved 875 children ages 9 to 13. There were some extremely interesting results.

The poll indicated that 36% of the children tell that school created the most stress, 32% identified family as cause, and 21% specified friends or peers.

The most important information revealed how children relieved the stress:

.       52% play or do something active

.     44% listen to music

.       42% watch TV or play a video game

How does your child deal with stress?

30% talk to a friend 29% iry not to think about it 28% try to work things out 26% eat something 23% lose their temper 22% talk to a parent 11% cry

Even more alarming was that 25% hurt themselves either

by banging their heads or bumping themselves against walls and objects. The article did not mention the children who attempt to release stress by cutting themselves, pulling their hair or consuming alcohol and/or drugs -an urea in which 1 have a great deal of interest and experience.

So what is stress?                                 • ;

Although 1 often hear this word referred to by both adults and children, most people do not really know what it is, how it can affect us or how we can deal with it.

Stress is how we react to a stressor (something that causes mental or emotional strain or tension). Anything or any­body can be a stressor. It is how we react to that stressor that is vital. Technically speaking there is the flight or fight response of the autonomic nervous system. If we are confronted by a stressor, our mind and body automatically prepare for the action. Our hands get cold as the muscles tense, thus restricting blood flow; our heart rate increases: respiration increases; our stomach stops digesting; and. our whole body tenses. Once we see that the emergency is over our body returns to its normal slate.

Warning signals

Some stress is in fact healthy because it makes us more alert. The problem arises when we do not go back to a normal state and are relentlessly on alert. Our bodies arc constantly prepared for fight or flight. We are tense, have stomach, concentration and sleep problems, eventually leading to troubles such as neck- and backaches. clenched jaws, skin problems, headaches, depression, etc. If (his happens to a child, this is when parents decide that to find out what is wrong and the diagnosis is usually some disorder or another.

The child is then referred to a therapist or brought to some­one like me to ‘fix’ the problem. I usually conduct an assessment during which I ask a lot of questions. I did such an evaluation with a family and their 11-year daughter one Sunday morning. On the following Wednesday the therapist who referred the family lo me commented how well the girl was doing. I was surprised, as all that I did was ask questions – but then I remembered that I had talked about breathing and the girl went home and prac­ticed the techniques that I had taught her. Within a few days her behavior and school performance had improved.

Self management

A common thread in my conversations with children is their use of the phrases, “have to”. “need to” or “should”. I often ask what they want and often they cannot answer the question. A lot of demands are put on children by school, parents and peers and many feel overwhelmed when they cannot live up lo expectations.

In my work I help children to become more relaxed and to become appropriately focused. However, at home they often become stressed once again because the parents themselves are stressed. Parents hurriedly drop off their children and then hurriedly pick them up. I refer to this as ‘therapy pick-up and drop-off stress. If 1 gently present the parents with the fact that they themselves may have an issue, they often ‘run away’ because they do not want to be blamed for not being the perfect parent or are not ready to confront themselves and their own issues.        •’•

The diagnosis of a ‘disorder’ is often used as an excuse by parents. We end up blaming our children: “S/hc was the problem, not me”. For me, the most difficult and most frustrating part of working with children is — the parents. As mentioned, often they drop off their children al some­one’s practice and expect the therapist lo ‘fix’ them. I do not fix people. I help people, including children, to learn how 10 help themselves, What 1 do is not magic and it involves no pills. It is all about learning.

Parental involvement

Some parents really do get involved and make the effort lo change themselves. As a result they have a positive and calming affect on their families. This is the reward!

What can we immediately do to help our children to de-stress? We can listen lo them, stop trying lo live their lives, give them more time for play, try to understand them, make lime for them, encourage them rather than tell them where they have gone wrong, love them unconditionally and. above all,  work on ourselves – on our own personal development and our development as a parent.

The New Stork Times

2005